After you’ve had a breakup – recent or otherwise, you may find yourself missing them. The feelings surrounding a breakup are definitely intense. There’s a lot of emotions all over the place, and very little space for you to explain them rationally.
Missing an ex is an experience that makes you feel miserable. There’s nothing to feel ashamed about. These feelings of heartbreak are most likely to pass after time. Until then, they linger.
Sometimes, all of us need a little guidance to figure out the path we want to take after such an experience. And I am here to explain some of your feelings, and what you can do about them.
Why Do I Miss My Ex?
The grand question that lies under every breakup. There are times when breakups happen due to certain tragedies or miscommunication. It also happens out of nowhere. Sometimes, we know the exact underlying reason behind breaking up with our partner.
However, we’re still left with the question – why? This question might mean several things – why did this situation pan out this way? Why did I let this happen?
Of course, they’re fair questions. If I was to be completely honest, answers to these questions arrive at unpredictable timings. Or they may never arrive at all. Closure might seem like an impossible thing to attain.
Breakups are Painful
Breakups are definitely one of the most painful experiences in interpersonal relationships. They leave you questioning a lot of things, and have you pining for the person lost.
You’d have to get used to being single, and that might not exactly be the most pleasant experience after many memories that were forged together.
To add to the misery, you find yourself thinking about all the wonderful things you shared with your partner. These memories are printed quite hard on your mind, and leave you feeling a profound sense of loss.
The Loss Can Feel Unbearable
This certainly doesn’t disappear at the drop of a hat, or over a night for a lot of people. Your functionality could be affected, and all you may be able to think of is your ex.
At moments like these, you rethink the relationship through different perspectives, wondering about the myriad ways that this experience could have gone differently.
More often than not, you imagine what it would be like to get back together with them. Sometimes, this may work. Sometimes, it certainly won’t.
Do I Go Back with My Ex?
To answer this question that might be plaguing your mind, it is important to assess a few things first.
“What broke the relationship?”
Give yourself the time to think about why the relationship ended. The circumstances might be impromptu, or the breakup might have been impending for ages. Who initiated the breakup?
I understand that facing these questions is definitely tiring. But getting back with an ex is a life-altering decision that you must give a lot of consideration to.
Was It Miscommunication?
Maybe it was a miscommunication that can be solved over a cuppa and a heartfelt conversation. If that’s the case, and you believe that your relationship has no other red flags, go ahead and patch up.
That’s often not the case. Breakups tend to get ugly, messy, and utterly heartbreaking. Assessing the why’s helps you figure out things that lay before you plain as day. You gain some objectivity, and this can help you decide how to proceed with your feelings, and your life.
We realize soon enough or later that we are missing the memories, the companionship, and the routine of the relationship itself. It may not be that you’re missing your ex for the person they are. And if that’s the case, then it’s best to leave the doors closed behind you and keep walking away.
How Do I Cope with My Breakup?
As much as you would hope for things to miraculously fall right into place, it is unlikely. The first and foremost thing to do is to acknowledge how you’re feeling, and accept it. Normalize the emotions you feel, and allow them to appear in a safe space.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – these are the stages you find yourself in, after a loss. It isn’t necessary that you travel to these stages in that particular order, or experience it just once.
The end goal is to arrive at acceptance. It is easier said than done; I understand that. There are certain things you can do while traversing through this journey to cope with your loss.
Remove All Reminders
Do you find yourself continuously scrolling through your gallery, looking at the memories you’ve made? Is your home filled with materialistic reminders of your relationship? Whenever you’re ready, go all Marie Kondo on any reminder that is left of your relationship.
“Burn them, throw them, give them away to charity – the call is yours.”
Maybe you would want to retain a thing or two, and that’s only human. Try your very best to clear your phone and your house of anything that is a stark reminder of your ex. This is an effective place to begin if you’re trying to cope healthily.
Zero Contact for A While
It is only natural that you want to keep the communication up and running, just so you don’t lose contact. This might definitely do you more harm than good.
Stop any and all communication with your ex, and establish a zero-contact period for a while. This would help you clear your head, and focus on other things.
Breakups make us feel like there is nothing else going on with life. This affects our ability to function normally every day. For your sake, cutting off contact for a while would help you focus on everything else you have going on.
Vent to Your Friends
Carrying around the pain and distress of a breakup is definitely not a great idea. Talking helps. Sit down with a trusted friend, and avail their support. Rant your heart out, while they listen. If you want to listen to their perspective, allow them to talk to you about how they feel and gather reassurance.
“Spill it all out.”
Bottling in your feelings would only turn into a deadweight that you lug around. Talking to your friends gives you a new perspective and makes you feel lighter.
You could also visit a licensed mental health professional, and talk to them about what happened. Not only do they provide a safe space with complete confidentiality, they are also trained to approach the situation objectively and provide solutions suited for you.
Work Out Your Schedule
A breakup has the power to turn your life upside down. While it’s completely okay to forget order and organization in your life for a while, completely abandoning it could prove detrimental in the long run.
One thing you can do is focus your attention on your schedule for the day. Plan out your day in advance, and partake in activities that allow you to healthily cope. An organized schedule can work wonders at a time like this, as long as you have the energy for it. The key is to remember that life is definitely larger than a loss.
Be it a work routine or just productive days of self-love and care, allocating specific timings and scheduling your day would most certainly help keep your mind off of your ex.
Give It Time
There’s no denying that some of us can get carried away while dealing with certain emotions. You may want to indulge in a grand gesture to win back your ex, or do something unpredictable and unexpected.
“Time may not be a healer, but it clears out the fog of indecisiveness.”
Once you find yourself thinking thoughts that promote self-growth and moving on, you’re free to trust your gut. If you believe that deleting your social media would help, do so. Cut off your hair and color it? Why not. Fancy yourself a couple of tattoos? Ink away.
Do remember to weigh all the pros and cons of anything you want to do. Your body is equipped to protect you from everything, so trust your instincts about what’s right and move forward.
Think Things Through
There arrives a moment, when you’ll have to make a few life decisions for yourself. After an event like a breakup, the choices you make have an impact on your lifestyle. Impulsivity at this point may not exactly be very advisable.
Conversations with your friends or a therapist would have given you a lot to think about. Whenever you’re ready, sit down and process everything that happened. This might be the hard part. There would be realizations and revelations that you may not have been ready for. They may be freeing, or they may be heartbreaking.
Sometimes, there won’t be anything at all and you turn up blank. Unfortunately, closure isn’t something you get the moment you demand it. Its timings are unpredictable, so are the circumstances.
You will know what’s best for yourself. The perception you trust the most will end up shaping whatever comes next. Be kind to yourself, try not to engage in blame games without context, and most importantly, appreciate yourself for having pulled through so far.
You just have to believe that you’re stronger than you think, and trust yourself to cope through the loss and emerge with clarity.
A Few Parting Words
I miss my ex. Four words all of us tell ourselves after a breakup. Everyone copes with a breakup in his or her way. It is never the end of the world. If anything, a breakup is a chance to reflect on your current surroundings and fine-tune things to your liking. Remember how much you’ve braved through, and you will be just fine.