What is the very first thing that pops into your mind when you think of Irish people? Is it St. Patrick’s Day, beer, whiskey, pubs, dancing, or redheads? It doesn’t really matter, as all of these things have something in common — they are extremely fun. It’s no surprise then that they have inspired some of the best Irish jokes ever told.
Irish men and women know how to have a good time, and not just during holidays. They are fun and exciting people with a great sense of humor. In fact, one of the things that make Irish humor so unique is the variety of hilarious jokes.
Joke telling is a rather important part of Irish culture, and every Irish lad and lass relishes a good joke. So, if you are a regular at a local pub and want to entertain your friends, here are some of the best Irish jokes you should tell the next time you go out for a pint.
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Best Irish Jokes About Drinking
1. The Sneaky Priest
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
The policeman says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” answers the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine in your car?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
2. The Three Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
The confused barman looks around and says: “Waiting for someone?”
The Irishman shakes his head.
The barman then asks: “Well, would it be better if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman looks up and replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I go to a pub, I order a shot for each of them, too.”
The following week, the Irishman comes into the bar and orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen to one of your brothers?”
“Oh no,” says the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
3. The Smart Bettor
A Texan walks into an Irish pub and calls out to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 American dollars to anybody here who can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room gets quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man leaves the pub. Ten minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
“Is the bet still on,” asks the Irishman.
The Texan nods and asks the bartender to line up ten pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all ten of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other guests cheer as the Texan watches in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says: “You were gone for ten minutes before you came back. Where were you?”
The Irishman smiles and replies: “Oh…Well, before taking your bet, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
Here’s One About the Irish and Their Relationship With God
4. The Parking Space
An Irishman is roaming the parking lot for fifteen minutes, struggling to find a parking space.
He becomes desperate and starts praying. “Dear Lord, I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me today, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to church every Sunday.”
Then, suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without pause, the Irishman says: “Phew, never mind, I found one!”
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5. Mrs. Murphy
Mrs. Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after a Sunday mass. She’s all in tears, and she is seeking counsel.
The father says: “Mrs. Murphy, what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve dreadful news. My husband passed away last night.”
The father replies: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Yes, father,” Mrs. Murphy replies. “He said, ’Please Mary, put down that damn gun.’”
6. News From the Doctor
Dr. O’Mahony calls his patient and says: “Hello, John, I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news for you.”
“Oh, sweet Lord,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?,” asks the worried patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live. I’m sorry.”
“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “What can possibly be worse than this?”
Dr. O’Mahony replies, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
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7. An Irishman and an Englishman Walk Into a Bakery
The Englishman waits for the owner to turn his back and then steals three buns, puts them into his pocket, and leaves.
He then says to the Irishman, “It took great skill and courage to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replies, “That’s just simple thievery. Let me show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then calls out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner, who had a rather uneventful day up until this point, decides to indulge the Irishman.
The Irishman asks him for a bun, and then he proceeds to eat it. He repeats the process two more times.
The confused owner says, “Okay, my friend, what’s the trick?”
The Irishman replies, “Check the Englishman’s pockets.”
8. The Tea Party
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits.
“I always stir my tea with my left hand,” says the Englishman.
“I always stir my tea with my right hand,” says the Scotsman.
“How about you?,” the interviewer asks the Irishman.
“Oh, me?” says the Irishman, “I always use a spoon.”
In my humble opinion, these are some of the best Irish jokes I’ve ever heard, and while some of them might be considered inappropriate, they are not meant to offend anyone. On the contrary, they serve to show that the Irish know how to find humor in every situation!